nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
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