How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
