i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
