i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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