If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I would fuck him just for his dog
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
