ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
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He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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