Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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