I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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