I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
