You're my little dorito
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize