It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
