Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
