So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
