I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you had me at cake vodka
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
