who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
