Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
