Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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