We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
