now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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