before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk is not a location!