I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
