genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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