Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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