I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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