My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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