We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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