This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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