I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
