onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
