im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
