I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
