and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
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