It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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