My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
