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I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Randomize
