She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
