Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
