I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
