Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
