Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
