Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
