What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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