dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
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I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize