You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
