GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My penis needs a shock collar
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
