Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
