She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
