On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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