2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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