the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We had to coat check the pizza.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
