She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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