The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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