at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
