We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
